Victoria Coren needs little introduction. Author, journalist, poker player, TV personality (lots of it)…take your pick and put them in any order. Vicky's the girl that stopped all the bad boys fighting at school and made them all be friends again.

She looks good, likes a cigarette and plays poker…that pretty much ticks all the boxes of every bad boy in town. How can we resist? They even named a card room after her. We had a chat recently about Hold'em, the Beatles and tongue piercing…this is how it went.

David Lloyd: Hi Vicky, how are you and where are you?

Vicky Coren: I’m in my study at home. I’ve tried to think of a more interesting answer to that, but there isn’t one.
 
David: I’m buying, what’s yours?

Vicky: I’ll have a cup of tea please. It’s my default drink. Yes, the party never stops.

David: ;-) Last time I saw you we were in what some of us lovingly call the ‘Home of the Brave,’ the Vic, during the EPT event…did you enjoy playing in it? How do feel you played?

Vicky: I played fine; my aces got cracked and that was the end of that. And of course I enjoyed it. I love the Vic, especially in tournament weeks when there’s £250 Hold’em and it’s full of visiting friends. And any chance to play a tournament on home turf, in my delightful pink “ParadisePoker.com” vest top, is a good thing. It might have been more enjoyable if I’d won it, but you can’t have everything.

David: I heard you’d set up shop in the NLH cash games there these days. Are the games as good as some say they are and how often do you get an opportunity to play?

Vicky: NLH? Who told you that? I am a patriotic Brit and this is the home of pot-limit! I hope it will stay that way despite the relentless attempts by America and TV to persuade us otherwise. I don’t know about the games being good, exactly; there are some tough long-time players in the Vic and I’m sure there are softer games elsewhere. But we get our share of Father Christmases. I feel jumpy if I don’t get down there at least once or twice a week, but it’s not always possible.

David: You seem to be one of the hardest working women in poker…how do you fit it all in?

Vicky: I don’t know really. I don’t get enough sleep. I was just saying to someone in the Vic tonight, I’ve been working really hard lately and not getting enough time to do nice things like play cards and see friends and go on holiday – which makes you think, what’s the point? What’s the point of working hard to earn money if you don’t get time to do anything with it?

David: It’s nice to have an EPT event on the doorstep, do you plan on playing in any of the others? With Deauville and Monte Carlo coming up in the new year it must be tempting…what with all the shopping opportunities J

Vicky: Oh sure… last year in Monte Carlo I managed to buy a pair of shoes which somehow, in the universe of Monte Carlo, looked just beautiful: green silk high heels with little jewels all over them. As soon as I got them out of Monte Carlo, of course, I realized that they resembled the working uniform of a Middle Eastern prostitute. So I might think twice next time.

But EPT events generally… well this is what I was saying about the work thing. I really wanted to go to Barcelona and Dublin this year, but I couldn’t because of work. So I decided to go to all the EPTs next year to make up for it. But already Copenhagen’s looking a bit iffy with another work project around that time. I dunno. Cash play is my main staple, but foreign tournaments are my luxury treat and it’s a shame not to have time. Plus, in the current poker climate, people expect you to have decent tournament results, but if you don’t get the chance to play many of them then it’s not going to happen. And then people get all cutting and suspicious, and I hate that. 

David: Going back to the ‘hardest working woman in showbiz’ thing…what was the first show you ever worked on as a commentator?

Vicky: I can’t remember… the first full series I did was “Celebrity Poker Club” for Challenge, but I’d done lots of one-off things before that, you know, when you go in and do one heat of a tournament and that kind of thing.

David: Did you feel comfortable doing it the first time or was it as nerve racking as I imagine?

Vicky: Oh not nerve-wracking at all. I don’t have many skills, but I can talk under pressure.

David: Do you find it easier now…how much pre preparation do you get into?

Vicky: Well, on the celebrity ones, obviously you have to do a bit of research on the people – they’re often from TV shows which I haven’t seen. But for “normal” poker shows, you don’t have to prepare – I mean, you can’t prepare – you just have to wait and see how the people play, and then comment on it.

David: I have to say, I always enjoy your commentary…I like it that you throw a lot of humour into the mix…'For women looking for a sense of security in their lives, there is nothing more attractive than an addicted gambler' being your finest hour ( I put it into the FISHTALES section at www.gutshot.com )...Do you prefer doing TV to writing about the game?

Vicky: Oh God yes. Writing is actual work.

David: There must have been many a time you’ve had to bite your lip when someone’s made a horrendous move…ever been tempted to give the odd subtle rub down or are you too nice a girl for that?

Vicky: Um…. Well, in the celebrity shows, obviously people make a few curious plays. But I wouldn’t want to be horrible – I mean, they’re not pretending to be the greatest players in the world. They’ve come to play for fun or for charity, the show is about entertainment rather than a showcase for super-pros, and there’s no reason to be mean. If somebody draws to a straight on a paired flushing board, or calls all-in with no hand, there’s usually… there’s usually a polite way of expressing surprise, or perhaps suggesting an alternative way to play those particular cards…

David: Have you ever said anything you wished you hadn’t?

Vicky: No, but only because while you’re doing it you’re not thinking about what you just said; you’re already onto the next thing. And I don’t watch the programmes when they go out on TV. I get embarrassed watching myself on TV, or hearing my weird croaky voice, so I generally avoid it.

David: Have you ever NOT said, something which you wish you HAD said

Vicky: No, although they once cut something which I thought was a shame. Mike Tindall the rugby player was in one of the celebrity games – he’s a good tournament player, absolutely fearless and with a decent sense of situation – and he’s also a really nice guy. I was telling my co-commentator (Mark Gregorich) that Mike is the boyfriend of Zara Phillips, and I mentioned that Zara sometimes has a big stud in her mouth. They said they couldn’t possibly broadcast that on ITV. I couldn’t see why not. I was simply referring to her fashionable tongue piercing.

David: LOL…That’s the Royals for you…I blame Prince Albert…Back to playing poker...how’s your online game…any successes?

Vicky: I play on Paradise Poker, obviously, which I think is very well named – it still seems a miracle to me that I can have poker right here at home, 24 hours a day, to drop in and play for as long or as short as I want without having to get dressed or go anywhere. But I’m not one of those people who have won millions online. I just play little sit & go’s, that kind of thing. Obviously the big comps are very tempting – Paradise have this million dollar free-roll which is just amazing, who ever heard of a tournament where you can win a million dollars with absolutely no risk at all? – but I haven’t got into playing those yet. I never seem to have the spare nine hours or whatever it takes. But I will. It’s my New Year’s Resolution.

David: Is there a downside for you?

Vicky: For me personally, no. It may be easier to get “addicted” and harder for losers to stop playing, when the game is available constantly at home. But online poker offers an opportunity to play for much lower stakes than you would find if you went to a casino or even played with friends, so you could just as well argue that it’s a chance for people to lose LESS than they would do in “the real world”. Other than that, the only downside I can see is that I’m quite big on decent behaviour at the table – getting it quietly, losing it gracefully and all that – and people who get used to screaming at a computer screen when they’re alone can sometimes transfer that habit to the live game. And I’m not up for that at all. We’re poker players, not footballers. It’s not about yelling in people’s faces and dancing around with your fists in the air.

David: Quite right too…but I fear it’s too late to change that trend…And in the real world, taking into account that the Vic is your local card room, if you could pick up any other card room in the world and plonk it back down within a ten minute stroll from your home, which one would it be?

Vicky: I have a recurrent dream that there is a magic bridge between my house and Las Vegas, and I can just walk over it and find myself in that beautiful world of 24-hour live action. It’s always a disappointment when I wake up and remember that no, you have to do the whole flying thing to get there. But a magic bridge isn’t the same as plonking it on my doorstep. I wouldn’t want Vegas re-located to somewhere where it rains all the time. In all honesty, call me Pollyanna but the Vic is the card room I want on my doorstep, and it IS! So hurray, frankly.

David: The magic bridge I like…or maybe an escalator…Cash game, Dealers Choice, your button, what are we playing?

Vicky: Ooh… well, there is a dealer’s game in the Vic and I don’t play in it. I stick with the Hold’em where there seems to be a bit more ebb and flow. But having said that, I love all the variants and we play those in my home game; I’d hate them to die out in this Hold’em-obsessed modern world. Omaha hi-lo is a favourite, and I like a bit of deuce-to-seven triple draw. But in our home game, the best-loved thing is always the newest, and we devise new variants all the time. At one stage we got hooked on a split-pot game which was half Holdem and half baccarat. That was absolutely fascinating. For about an hour.

David: Imagine you found yourself on a slow boat to China, hosting the liveliest poker games known to man. Who would you want with you for company and why?

Vicky: What are the criteria? There’s a man who sometimes plays in the Vic – mentioning no names – who literally groans when he misses a draw, and raises his eyebrows with excitement when he hits one. If I’m looking for someone it’s easy to win money from, he’d be top of the list every time. But if it’s for the conversation… I mean, this guy’s no Peter Ustinov and China is a long way.

David: Onboard, they’ve organised a charity karaoke night, you have to sing or forfeit $10,000. What’s your big number?

Are you kidding? I’d be nipping everyone on the boat until I had the $10,000.

David: While we’re talking about ‘music’, what was the last album you bought or downloaded?

Vicky: Do you want an honest answer to that? I just downloaded The Seekers’ greatest hits. I never pretended to be cool.

David: I have to say I preferred their Grunge period…before they decided to teach the world to sing that is…Your desert island favourites – Tell me three songs you’d have to take with you?

Vicky: The first choice is easy: “Better Not Look Down” by BB King. That’s my little life anthem. And I’d take “Happiness Is A Warm Gun” by the Beatles, which I think is probably the greatest song ever and I can hear it a lot of times without getting bored. Who knows how long I might be on this island? But the third would totally depend on mood. Maybe something from Ella Fitzgerald’s album of Cole Porter songs. They always make me smile.

David: Ah yes…Mark Chapman’s favourite ‘Bang Bang Shoot Shoot’, very romantic, very girly…it is a great song, with a great line about soap in it…How many songs can say that…Going back to the ship…a storm brews…the ship goes on the rocks and a sinking situation ensues. You manage to climb into an empty lifeboat…it has only one lifejacket. As you drift slowly away from the sinking vessel you spot two fellow survivors struggling in the raging waters. 20 yards off the starboard bow, Michael Arnold is virtually awake, clinging to a ship’s door…25 yards off the port side Gus Hansen reaches out helplessly in your direction…his exquisitely toned body glistening in the moonlight. You look around and see that there is enough food and water on the boat to last two people a number of weeks adrift at sea…Who gets the life jacket…Gus or Mike?

Vicky: !!! I am guessing the implication here is that Gus Hansen is supposed to be sexy. He doesn’t really ring my bell – no offence. But even if he did… you know, I genuinely love Michael Arnold. You’d have to make it someone like my brother or my best friend Charlie before Michael goes under. The choice you offer is not a tough one. Having said that, are we going to be washed up on the desert island you mentioned before? I don’t think Michael Arnold would be a lot of use when it came to hacking down palm trees and killing bears for meat. If I’m looking for survival skills in the wilderness, I guess I’d have to go with Gus. 

David: Oh yes, of course…his survival skills…LOL…anyway…staying on this Titanic theme…give me five of your favourite films excluding the pornographic one you made earlier

Vicky: What, I have a VCR on this island now? Do I have popcorn? (Not for long, if Michael Arnold’s with me). I suppose… oh, you know, nothing startling. The Graduate is probably my number one, and Some Like It Hot. Top Secret and Blazing Saddles are the funniest. And then I’d have… Mary Poppins. God I love that film. Am I the first poker player you’ve talked to who didn’t say Goodfellas?

David: Yes you are, but the fact that your favourite song is all about heroin addiction makes up for it. I wouldn’t have a bad word said about Mary Poppins either…And a good film you’ve seen recently?

Vicky: Capturing The Friedmans is the best film I’ve seen for a year or two. But I wouldn’t have it on the island. It’s pretty depressing.

David: I read something about it…it sounds a bit harrowing...it’s been nominated hasn’t it… Your favourite line of dialogue (any movie or TV)?

Vicky: “Nobody puts Baby in a corner”, of course. Have you MET girls? We all love that one.

David: I have a feeling I’d lose a few geezah points if I knew what you were talking about….Let’s move on…LOL…You’re producing Celebrity Poker Big Brother…who are your first 5 contestants in the house?

Vicky: I think you asked me this one before. Lovely Pedro (a Vic player and one of life’s characters) is the obvious choice. And as a long-time Big Brother aficionado, I know it’s important to have someone in the house who is going gradually insane, so I’d put Phil Hellmuth right in there with him. And I’d leave the two alone for as long as possible. You need a love interest, so I might throw in Cindy Violette with John Duthie and figure it’s only a matter of time. They’re both so gorgeous, how could either of them resist? And then I’d send in my friend Hugo, just to make myself laugh.

David: I ask everyone that one twice, I stutter that way….Pre-Army Elvis, the black leather comeback or King of Las Vegas?

Vicky: Don’t be silly. Obviously I’d have him when he was thin.

David: And on the subject of Las Vegas…having not enjoyed the Rio experience do you plan to go back for the World Series next year?

Vicky: That’s your toughest question yet. I would absolutely love it if the whole poker world said: “No. Enough. You took us away from the beautiful history of Binions and the sociable companionship of downtown. You put us in a horrible, over-lit, freezing-cold conference building without decent food or toilet facilities. You pushed us around at the whims of ESPN, without paying us any money to appear on your giant lucrative TV show. And now you’re moving the whole thing to the hottest time of the year, when nobody wants to go to Vegas, just because you’ve figured we’re mugs who will fill up your hotel when nobody else is dumb enough to do so. And you know what? NONE OF US is coming. We’re ALL staying away, your World Series will be a flop, and you’ll have no choice but to put the situation right again”.
 
But of course that won’t happen, and next year it’ll be 20,000 people who turn up, and I might well be one of them. I am actually planning to stay away – I’m hoping to get to Vegas at a different time, probably April/May when it was actually really nice to be there. But I can’t promise I won’t crumble at the last.

David: And what a shame there are so few Hold’em tournaments…Mind you, 8 weeks of one table NLH satellites…right up your street?

Well, I personally think there is more skill and challenge in a pot limit cash game, so I would enjoy that more. People have been getting a bit hysterical about tournaments lately. I like one-tables and NLH too, I just think they might get dull over eight weeks. But it’s like the male joke about “Describe the worst blowjob you ever had…” “Fantastic!”. You offer me an eight-week card game of any kind, I’m not going to say no. 

David: LOL…Now there’s a question I should have asked you…

Finally, in one sentence, or just three words, what’s the best advice you could give to someone just starting out in poker?

Vicky: “…within your bankroll”.

That’s three words. If they can’t work out the rest of the sentence, they probably shouldn’t be playing mind games for money anyway.

David: Thanks Vicky, it’s been a enjoyable as always, good luck with everything…I’ll look forward to seeing you again soon.

Vicky: It’s been a pleasure. Have a nice week.